Observations of the Prophesier

It is a well-documented fact that people have been prophesying in and outside of churches for hundreds of years now. Whether they are accurate or not in many cases remains to be seen. However, I believe the unique distinction of one who has the gift of “prophecy” or “encouragement,” must be classified. You see, there are many different types and deliveries of prophecy and I have taken the time to dissect these differences and categorize them for you into six very distinct and diverse groups:

1. The Persistent One

This prophesier is well known in the church community for their particular dedication to the prophecy mic. Sunday after Sunday, this person can be counted upon to meander down the isle, bible in one hand, notepad in the other, ready and willing to make your teeth feel the Spirit move. From scriptural exhortations, to “I see a picture of…” moments, this individual has no shortage of encouragements. In fact, they wrote the manual.

2. The Goosebumps One

A much rarer sighting, this prophesier has powers not seen in any other category. Though not experienced in every congregation, a visit to the mic by this individual will always guarantee one thing. Goosebumps like you’ve never felt before. More capable than any scary movie and more profound than the “break-an-egg-on-your-head” game, this prophesier pushes the boundaries of little bumps on your arms to a whole new level. On a scale of 1 to 10 it would be an 11.

3. The Short and Sweet One

This particular prophesier is known for their no beating-around-the-bush mentality and record-breaking speed. They have taken the saying, “less is more” to an entirely new level. Verses like “Jesus Wept” and “Praise the Lord” consist of their only vocabulary. Word of caution: don’t sneeze or you’ll miss it.

4. The Dramatic Effect One

One of the most well known of all prophesiers, the “Dramatic Effect One’s” title is indicative of their delivery. Gandalf and the movie-preview-voice guy come in a far distant second to this prophesier. Their most notable characteristics are extreme voice inflection, an ability to bring forth emotion like it’s a super power, and of course… the infamous clap line. These prophesiers are easy to spot even as they make their way to the mic. The “I’m-looking-into-the-face-of-God” composure coupled with the countenance of an angel gives them almost a glowing appearance. As they grasp the mic with two spirit filled hands, make sure both of your feet are firmly planted on the ground because your in for the ride of your life.

5. The “You’ll Get’m Next Time” One

Just when you thought that nothing could be more awkward than the time you let one rip in front of all of your mom’s friends, this newbie steps up to the plate and leaves only silence and questioning expressions in his wake. Usually these prophesiers are first-timers who thought they had all the confidence in the world until the music stops and the mic is “hot”. For the first 15 seconds of awkward silence everyone’s thinking “he must be crying”, until he opens his mouth and spews forth 10 seconds of un-intelligible gibberish. Any sane individual would realize their predicament and proceed with a duck and cover strategy at this point, but it appears that this prophesier has been blessed with the inability to perceive uncomfortable situations and pays no heed to the worship leaders desperate “cut-it” motions up on stage. As this individual makes his way back to his seat, avoiding all possible eye contact, we can only feel sorry for the job of transitioning that now faces the worship leader. This is an extremely convenient time for a bathroom break or to go get a pen.

6. The “Reject One”

This poor, poor soul knows full well the meaning of rejection because they’ve never tasted the metallic glory of the prophecy mic to their lips. There is no dignity for this individual. Though they try and hold their head high, everybody and their mother knows as soon as they get back to the pew the church bulletin has suddenly become more profound than the Bible. “Hey I didn’t know it was mike’s birthday last week…”. Most important in all of this is the “Rejector.” i.e. the “the Prophecy Mic Guy”. The Gatekeeper of Knowledge. (I am of the opinion that this individual should be required to wear a long flowing robe, grow out a white beard and have some sort of staff or scepter that he could use to “bop” bad prophesiers over the head in mid-sentence. Yea, that should do it.) His power to deliver crushing disappointment is unsurpassed. However, this individual most not let his true feelings show. When “rejecting” a prophesy, he must be sure that his face is contorted in just the right thoughtful, considerate, “maybe” expression along with a pat on the back or a textbook reply like, “I think the Spirit is transitioning to a time of reflection at the moment”.

*disclaimer: These words do not express the thoughts or beliefs of Grace Covenant Church. They are only my poor attempts to lighten the day with a little humor. I very strongly believe in the gift of prophecy and the Spirits use of it.

-Kyle-